(no subject)

I spent a few minutes surfing Google News this morning. Boy, did I learn a lot! Namely: the news is really, really boring today.

Because I'm just an all-around great kind of gal, I decided to help the news organizations out and hook them into some stories they could run that are not boring crap. These are the headlines I want to see, guys. I bet if you ran them, your readership would go up!

Obama on Economy: “God, Quit Whining, There Are Starving Kids in Africa”
Suggests Americans Donate Cars, Tanking Stocks, Inferior iPod Knockoffs to Raise Funds To Combat Third-World Poverty

Study Reveals Fatphobia Epidemic
Skyrocketing Percentage of Americans Are Really Really Really Obnoxious About Other People’s Weight; “Maybe We’ve Been Going a Little Overboard, Releasing Five or Six Poorly Researched Studies Per Week,” Scientists Say

Julie Andrews and Carol Burnett Acknowledge Long-term Lesbian Love Affair
“Time To Stop Hiding,” Says Burnett

Conservative “Pro-Family” Organization: Homosexuality Is a Sexually Transmitted Disease
President of Organization “Just Had Sex with a Guy That One Time,” Fears He Is Now Homosexual

Collecting Cabbage Patch Minis Linked To Longer Life, Better Sex

Proud Parents Brag About How Much Time Their Sons Spend Toking Up in the Basement
“He’ll Be an Olympic Star Someday,” Says Excited Mom

All of Your Favorite Movie Stars Will Soon Be Appearing in a Movie Together, Naked

This is better. Don't you think it is better? This is better.