heading to the peanutsylum

So you know those terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad, EVEN WORSE THAN ALEXANDER'S DAY Snickers ads that you see around? The ones that portmanteau words relating to Snickers with other words that sound vaguely like words relating to Snickers? I posted about it awhile ago when I saw the "CHEWMUTE" ad on the T, because I couldn't figure out what in fuckery a chewmute was. Wide consensus among my flist was that it was a commute. "WHAT THE HELL, THAT DOESN'T EVEN RHYME", I told people. Then I went on a lengthy disquisition about why I should be grand mistress supreme of all writing in the world and should have approval/veto rights over every writer, literary work, and piece of wordsmithing of any kind seeking public dissemination, if this was what other writers were coming up with when left to their own devices. I cited Stephenie Meyer as another strong argument for this proposal.

No one has hired me to be grand mistress supreme over all writing in the world yet, which is a disappointment because I put in my application via paper prayer MONTHS ago.* As a result, these terrible Snickers ads are still! fucking! everywhere! And it is dreadful! They have one that says PEANUTENTIARY. WHY DO YOU WANT YOUR PRODUCTS TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH JAIL TIME, SNICKERS, ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL US SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR CORPORATE PRACTICES OR SOMETHING

In any case, today I bought a Snickers bar, because (this is the truth) I wanted to buy a bag of nuts and the little library cafe didn't have any and I was like "oh! Snickers have nuts in them. Same thing!" I do pride myself on my unassailable logic. So I get up to my office and I open the thing, at which point I find out that in addition to branding the back of each wrapper with one of their blight-on-the-face-of-humanity** portmanteaus, they are now providing a definition of each portmanteau on the inside of the wrapper. Thus, the inside of my wrapper reads as follows:

peanutopolis \pE-nut-ä-pu-lis\*** (noun). A state of mind making you feel very strong and powerful, almost mayor-like.

...

Snickers.

You are committed to this portmanteau thing. I mean, it's a giant god-freaking-damn ad campaign, right? You are paying marketing experts significant amounts of money to conceive and implement this campaign? And:

1. After all of that, the best you can come up with is to tack an "-opolis" suffix onto a preexisting Snickers-related word; and
2. You define said word as a STATE OF MIND?!?!!?!?!

I am... what am I even? I don't even... I'm going to, like... so, I know, I'm going to steal every box fan in the country, God? And create a giant, um, wind tunnel, and create a TORNADO of paper prayers, all flying up into the heavens, ceaselessly, for AS LONG AS IT TAKES, seriously, an unending tornado of novelty paper prayers until the day you GIVE ME THE POWER OF THE BANHAMMER OVER THESE SNICKERS ADS, and, uh, well...

oh, shit, guys, I am so helpless

why, world? why?

_______________________________

*Incidentally, I'm sorry that picture is crappy-quality, mostly because that was one hilarious novelty item and the reason the photo is crappy-quality is that it's the only one left on the Internet since www.knockknock.biz stopped selling that product. If you're curious to see a closer-up version, you can see if chavvah will explain to you/possibly link you to her post about her atomic supertoe. It is the perfect marriage of subject and medium.
**Chewmanity? AAAAAAHAHAHAHurk
***And just as a by-the-way, I don't have a fucking clue how you would pronounce that because it is not IPA, or traditional dictionary-style respelling, or any other system of phonetic notation I have ever heard of. I guess it is peanutic nuttation! OH MY GOD, GET THIS SHIT THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD